My hang-ups with Star Wars: Part 2

What is Star Wars about? A lot of people would say it's about courage and action and ability and the Force, but maybe that's being a bit too idealistic. I think, in truth, it's about much more basic stuff. I think Star Wars is about cool technology and sex. On that level, its story is as follows:

Sexy woman's in danger. Robots tell young, frustrated man that sexy woman's in danger. Young man travels in cool machine to tell old bloke the news. Old bloke gives young man an impressive weapon and tells him to go for it. Both men then travel to a spaceport and meet an even cooler man who uses his weapon, then they all escape in a really cool spaceship. They reach a super-impressive space station and find the sexy woman. They fire their weapons, rescue the sexy woman, hug her repeatedly, then escape on their cool spaceship from the super-impressive space station. Afterwards, they chat about which of them fancies her.

But it's the finale of the film which is really, really about sex. This might be hard to spot at first glance. The attack on the Death Star by the Rebel Alliance X-Wings seems, on the face of it, to be about a bunch of fighters attacking a space station and destroying it, but in fact, it's a vast, detailed allegory about conception. Here's that climactic scene described in symbolic terms:

A whole crowd of small, fast, male, dart-shaped vessels swarm through an inky blackness, approaching a large, intimidating sphere filled with life and power. They work their way over its surface, seeking the hole that will give them access to its innermost depths. Many vessels die in the attempt to transform this sphere but eventually, one of the small vessels, the one containing the highest qualities in a male individual, succeeds. The sphere is transformed in an explosion of energy. Everyone cheers at the happy days to come.

It’s no wonder Luke and Leia are so pleased at the end of the movie. Darth Vader and Peter Cushing’s cold leader have failed in their attempt at contraception. That huge, black condom-like figure has been thwarted and a new life has been created. Hooray!